Shooting the breeze

Shooting the breeze with the homies ain’t that what life's all about?

I always was so damn jealous of boys and they’re groups of friends. My brothers seemed to have so much fun and just be able to mess and be silly little boys with their groups of friends, in a way I just never could. How many of your friendships have you felt like you could really be yourself?

I really do feel like I missed out on having wild, young, free and reckless years in my youth. Fun deprived you could say. And I know I’m not the only one but fun does seem like it should be a right of passage for the youth. I was talking about this topic with a friend recently, we both have the same issue of feeling like we lost out on time due to our eating disorders and general misery.

When I was in my junior cert year in school I had to go to a physio for coccyx pain, I was wandering around clenching my bum so much I caused myself a seriously painful spasm that took weeks of having my little bum messaged to un knot. We hold so so much in our bodies and let me tell you my body was screaming at me from a young age. Secondary school and me just really didn’t go together

I did such a good leaving cert and even got in to Trinity college which I dropped out of after first year. I don’t know how I did so well because I’m completely dyslexic, I honestly attribute most of my success to my eating disorder and the lethal discipline I had. I felt so alone when I got to Trinity, such an elitist academic environment. I had zero sense of belonging, made no real friends and essentially just fell through the cracks.

I began studying in DCU the following year by chance, my mom had reapplied me to the CAO without telling me so I had 1 day to decide if I wanted to take the offer of a course the guidance counsellor had recommended me and I took it, not really my choice but sort of. I ended up really enjoying my first year, mainly because of the friends I made, I never really had friends and it just felt so good to have finally found my people. Unfortunately my mental health issues presented toward the end of semester one in first year and I had to defer my second year losing out on my core group of friends that I cherished and am still lucky to have today.

I never wanted to go to college, I actually never even wanted to finish school. You should see my diary entries from when I was 15, they’re absolutely nuts, I wanted to hop on a boat to Africa but was so scared of getting pregnant.

I’ve alway been afraid of freedom and what I’d do with it. Or maybe another way to phrase that is control, I’ve been afraid of losing it.

How the hell is anyone supposed to shoot the breeze when they spend 24/7 walking around with a clenched butt?

I still grapple with my control issues today and its what I’ve been really facing with my time off since being sick. Plans make me feel safe and idle time where I’m not accomplishing a task or achieving something of some sort stirs up so many uncomfortable emotions.

We’re all programmed by life and have a certain set of conditioning based on how we were raised and the cultural context of our society/ environment. I’ve been programmed for achievement since I was 5. My ability to perform and win a trophy in gymnastics at an elite level, to being sent to one of, if not the most academic private school in the country.

Ive worked since I was sixteen, not because I had to but because I had all this free time that didn’t seem to serve a purpose - this is usually where people insert their social lives but we’ve already established I never had one. At one point when I was in Trinity I even had 2 jobs because we had so much free time and I didn’t see the point of that either. Most people were shooting the breeze at the benches in the arts block, something I never knew how to do, I can see my inability to relax and shoot the breeze as my social anxiety now, something I didn’t even realise I had up until my last ever therapy session. It’s funny how we avoid talking about the very things that our ruling our lives, in such an unconscious and creative way, it's almost cool.

My conditioning and programming has led me to place a huge sense of my worth and purpose being solely centred around work and being and feeling productive. I believe this is the case for many or perhaps our capitalist society at large. For centuries humans just spent their lives shooting the breeze and now we run around measuring our steps and our sleep like we’ve become machines ourselves. We are human beings with intrinsic worth and value, no external measurement can define us but we spend our whole lives running on hamster wheels trying to live up to some ideal or expectation of who we ought to be. Who are we even doing it for?

A good indication for what you want in life is to look around and see what and who makes you jealous. For the longest time mine was girls with groups of friends, or boys with that brotherhood silly companionship that we all know and love to see. I’ve always wanted to just shoot the breeze with my friends and I am finally learning how to thanks to the most amazing, authentic, heart centred friendships I’ve made in the last few years. I think a new way for me to measure my worthiness and success, not that we're measuring anything around here; is through the strength of my friendships. The friendships I have today are my most proud achievements in my life and I hope I can continue to nourish all of them and show up as a true friend to every single one of them, as they have and continue to do for me, especially since being sick.

I have decided I am officially entering my silly little girl era and not apologising for it. I am going to measure the success of this year based on how much fun I’m having, how much laughter I have in my life and really allow myself to blow where the wind takes me.

If you’d like to come and shoot the breeze with me, the wind will be blowing towards Portugal where you can join me on me on retreat for all of the above. Two 5 day retreats are happening this May and June, run by my beautiful, kind, amazing friends and I. Our You Can Surf With Us Retreats are my babies and all based around kindness, safety and making lifelong friendships. https://www.annaflynn.com/services-1-2